2003-04-26T13:26:00.000-07:00

This is the story of the naked aftermath of my love earthquake, the insights to a pent up soul, the outpourings of a spirit stripped clean of innocence, the tedious and melancholic journey through the passage of time of my life after love. Love was a crooked path i chose to throd precariously down, love was a bittersweet boat ride u took me on, love was a cable car ride dangling by a mere thread above the abyss of despair, desolation and dejection. Love was everything shy of fantasy every inch of my body longed for. Love was a choice i made, the opening of my Pandora's box, if you will. I cannot blame you, for it was I that opened it for myself, it was I that exposed myself, that bared my nude body to your torrents of hideous, indescribable sadistic torture. I thought our final destination would be a city of painted dreams with rainbow waterfalls and cotton candy clouds but instead U brought me to an amazon teetering with tainted dreams, filthy obscene hopes and infected, putrid aspirations. Love was a meandering stream with water so cold that took my breath away and hit me with sufficient force to drag and uproot me from the very foundation I laid my faith on. I had no choice but to flow with the icy current to what i thought would lead me to my destiny, my haven of fantasies I dreamed about every night and i laid my head upon the sheets. I trusted u to bring me to safety, to a warm enclave of comfort where i could roll lazily between the satin sheets of passion and soak up the multitude of love I so craved for.. But u wretchedly tore my body apart, mercilessly engulfed me with your train of deceit and left me naked and for dead, to be prowled and stalked on by hyenas that excitedly paced around my unrecognizable heap of flesh, waiting anxiously for the angel of death to stop by. U spat at what was left of me, pounded on my already exhausted mind and gave me not a scrap of credible explanation to your despicable actions. U beheaded me and paraded me on a stake for all to see, for all to mock and jeer at, for every undeserving eyes to devour, leaving me no place to retreat or recoil into. I struggled to regain consciousness, to not lose myself but u broke my defenses with the hundred of thousand little knives you used to shred my malnourished being apart. You toyed with me, played with me, boiled me in hot oil then skinned me alive, not once did u stop to wipe that wry smile off ur face laced fresh with my blood. How could I have been so blinded by the eloquent stories you told, the illusive pictures you painted and the captivating promises you made? I should have realized that each day you constricted around me like a boa, suffocating me with the unthinkable and detestable motive of plotting my slow and painful asphyxiation. You tightened your grip and strengthened your vice while wrapping your evil cords of maliced love around my frail neck with one hungry purpose - to decapitate me. U hungrily lapped at the fresh blood pulsating out of the wounds u inflicted on my broken heart. My pain gave u strength, my sorrow gave u freedom and power, yet being the myopic child I was, I let u feed on my misery and drink out of my fountain of life. Yes, that was my life i gave to you, that was the same life u took advantage of. In the beginning, my path was forked, I had to choose the right road to travel down. I chose you. I packed my bags and was exploding with elation just at the thought of being with you, being your so called femme fatale. But U were the hunter, I was your helpless prey, you were the driver, i was your vehicle, merely your mode of transport, your means of manipulation. Where ever u steered, I followed, whatever u said, i obeyed. I was a marionette, and you the puppeteer. You viciously ripped out my emotions and blended it to a bloody grotesque pulp, all these without blinking an eye. Alone and in the dark, i waited for my life line, a buoy that would pull me out from the grasp of your vindictive cold blooded outlashes but it never came. I knew i had to rely on myself, i had to escape, to break free from your cruel joke. I was on my own, i had to fend for myself, to fight for my survival, to learn to breathe without my life support... It was up to me to pull out my rusty sword from its sheath and slay the Goliath, to slay you...

2003-04-26T13:23:00.000-07:00

Somehow since u left, it's been a tumultuous time. i feel as if I'm freewheeling, freefalling, if u may, into a headlong decent into nothingness. It's like being sucked into a blackhole, where time and space do not matter and as hard as i fight to pull myself out of this vortex, i seem only to pushed deeper and deeper by an invisible, invincible force. I feel numb all over, cold and hot, both at the same time. These tidal waves of emotions seem to hit at the core of my soul and if emotion was a person, I dare put my money on the fact that he must be a marksman. He takes aims with precision and releases an incessant onslaught of venomous emotions, like tsunamis, one after another. Mercilessly, he hits the bullseye, my heart, time after time and leaves me like a beached whale up upon the shoreline where only vultures swoop threateningly low over my rotting flesh. Maybe I'm feeling this way because u left me so abruptly, its as if i've disappeared behind the shadows, that I've melted into nothingness, being there but not there all at once. Its as if my life was not worth any of you. Maybe i brought all this upon myself, i should have known that you'd trample on my badly broken spirit and feed on my tears, leaving only when ur gratified. It's difficult to act as if everything is over and done with and think the memories are happily framed up and adorned prettily on the wall because they aren't. U upped and left me. U didn't even give me a reason. Fast as u entered my world, and as briskly u left. U left me rolling in the shattered pieces of the 'love' we once shared, and each time i wallow in my sorrow, these shards of glass lacerate me, abrade me, cutting deep into my being, leaving me bruised and battered. It seems almost surreal but these shards of glass seem to home in on my fragility and release poison slowly into my aching heart as if carrying a higher order from above to prolong my suffering, bearing in mind the need to keep me alive so i am able to feel every inch of my body waste away slowly before my very eyes. The more i struggle to pull away, the more I entangle myself in your web of deceitful lies and find myself stuck in the moment. The slow disintegration, the gradual metamorphosis into a mere shell of my former self. It's been hard pushing these chains of thought aside and bravely pick up the pieces. I've given my utmost to live life like it used to be and erase every bit of u from my life. This facade i put on to hide my loneliness and nakedness makes me sick to the core. I feel as if I'm a well oiled machine running without a spare part. On the surface, all seems well but deep down inside, something is brewing and what awaits is nothing but eminent peril. U disarmed me and left me irrevocably scuffed. U scarred my insides with your hidden agendas. U look at me now as if i no longer exist, that I am transparent and insignificant. U were once the very blood that pulsed through my veins, the reason to my rhyme, the air that i breathed, the dreams that i dreamt. It's unreal to get knocked out of my world of fantasies and freewheel back into earth, an earth where I mean nothing more than nothing to you. Welcome to my heartbreak hotel. Please check in and stay a while as i relate to u my story. Open the ancient scrolls of time with me and walk beside me as i take you through the chambers of my haunted past. My only hope is that u will, from this journey of pain, learn to live again. Though the pain may seem to erode at ur strength and will, i pray u help me vanquish the demons of sorrow i house within me and raise me from the dead. It is u that can help me, that can offer me a glimmer of hope that I have not suffered in vain and rope me out of my cauldrum of misery. Through my pain, may u gain insights to life after love... because what won't kill you will only make u stronger so with this I besiege u to bring me back to life. Ressurect me...

Till Love Unshakles Me